Sensible. Light. Reflection. Part B

This is Part B of my reflection, after the darkness had lifted I found the truth and expanded on it.



Oh the Humanity.

Never in a million years did I think I’d be here. The one once known as the “good little Christian girl” sitting in the doctors room, naked from the waist down, waiting for my nurse to come examine my vagina because….well…I had sex with my boyfriend. I did it. And I liked it. Oh. I liked it very much. But the irony is the freedom. To feel unembarrassed about the situation. To be unashamed of the inconvenient consequences of my actions. To not deride myself for my decisions like I used to.

My Ex squeezed my personality into something meek. Something, that is definitely not the frank, blunt, wacky, zany, just plain weird, and yet loyal and considerate person I believe myself to be. I’m a bit of a social blunter. Sometimes I do it for the chaos, for the satire of poking the thin vinyl wall of the balloon that encases all the hot air of social convention. My curiosity rarely goes far enough to really hurt people for the sake of experimentation, but over all I’m quite strange. Quite curious. I know it. I enjoy it. But the darkness consumes my thoughts far less than they used to.

I’m happy. I’m starting to learn about balance. About peace with myself. That’s not to say I feel like I have control all the time, or I should. But just that I don’t want my bad experiences to haunt me and I don’t need the bad self deprecating habits to flourish. I’m working on sloughing the old ways of thinking away. My thoughts can hurt me. My perceptions matter. And I’m still figuring things out. But I’ve learned to recognize depression and PMS and I’ve learned to try to diminish and trivialize the thoughts that tend to flood my consciousness during that time. It sucks, feeling like I have to grab my bags and run during a day or two. But it’s better to get away, to a calmer place. Not totally out of life, I still have school. But away from my boyfriend. Giving distance and space to clear my thoughts and not potentially hurt him with paranoid lashings.

I think the thing that hurts the most now, is not the past, is not memories or negative thoughts. But the fact that he expects an emotional meltdown. He has chosen to not let it surprise him. To assume that it will happen. But I assumed I was fine. I assumed that once the memories were gone and the emotional bitterness had subsided that I would no longer be damaged. But when I cry during sex twice in one week, we both know. We both know things aren’t okay.

And I apologize to him honestly I feel more sorry for him than myself. It’s not that shaking to me. It rattles me for a while, that’s why I cry. But often I can recognize the trigger and work through it. I can self evaluate my progress. He on the other hand, has no warning. I feel like I have given him a hesitation and a fear. A light tread.

It’s funny because I wonder how healthy this is. Back in the day (and still sometimes now) I had thoughts of acting a certain way in a relationship to not be a burden to my partner. Now this idea is fine in theory. I didn’t want to be high maintenance, I didn’t want to be clingy or annoying.  But as I tried to BE these things I gave up what I wanted and needed. I became a door mat. I lessened myself and my worth in attempts to be humble. This is fine in THEORY, because in theory your partner is just as selfless and kind as you and won’t take advantage of that. But with my ex it wasn’t the case. My ex was a pusher. I was a pushover.

So now in a new relationship I realize, the partner is new, but the behavior is old. And that, frankly, needs to change. It’s not going to be about being an ideal. I just want to be me. And I will be the me that is kind and considerate and caring. But not meek, and sensitive, and unsure.