I’m starting to wonder how mad I am at him. I realized I didn’t write “If”.
I mean, when we made up after our first fight (was it even a fight?)…I’m starting to think that I’m numb. I’m starting to think it hurt so bad that I just shut down. I didn’t really get over it. I died. That I couldn’t be mad at him because when I cried I cried everything out, melting out my feelings from the inside. Smelted down.
I cried the hardest I have cried over this relationship in a long time. Once it was over…I felt…
Fine?
Fine is meh. Fine is blah. Fine is nothingness, apathy.
Am I fine? Our discussion was logical but I don’t remember having anything to say. It wasn’t emotionally satisfying. It was just. Here is my side. Here is yours. We got confused I guess. A miscommunication. I’m starting to realize just how much miscommunications aren’t just an “oops” a “boo-boo”. It’s a big deal. IT’S A BIG FUCKING DEAL. A 5 car pileup. Not a body scrape.
Was it emotionally satisfying? I don’t know if we are okay. I think I have pushed away. 1 step forward. 2 steps back. Return to Start. Don’t collect shit. Because fuck. We BOTH don’t understand out feelings. We both are sensitive and paranoid. And even I he lies. I’m sorry. Even if he tells thetruth and says he can handle it….if he acts the same way I won’t stick around.
I think that’s why I hate putting that burden on someone else, because if they had the same baggage or problems I wouldn’t help them carry it.
I’m a hypocrite.
I’m a double standard.
I’m the same person I was with ___.
I don’t think I’ve changed or gotten better. I don’t think I’m stronger or more open or more emotionally stable. I still can’t tell him how I feel. I have no desire to tell him this. To show him this. I still hide and deny. Fuck the counselor I CANT.
No one wants to be around a depressed person. No one wants to see it day after day. It’s just not FUN to be around. You can only take it for so long before it wears away at you. It’s harder when it’s about him. When I say “I have this problem”, because there is nothing he can do.
I don’t THINK. That it is going to WORK. I don’t THINK. That I am healthy enough for a relationship.
It always hurts. There is never a day…a moment really. Where you don’t do something that makes it hurt. But it’s not your fault. You can’t predict what it will take. There is nothing you can do.
I think I’m crazy. I think I’m unfit. Even if you stuck around long enough to see it through I don’t know if it will last when the smoke clears. I love you. But.
Every pursuit of Love that I have made has been a miserable process. Miserable. Yes, you are the best thing to happen to me. But. I have a year left before college is over. I can’t shake what you said about it being short term (to paraphrase). About it not going past graduation. Why did I do this If that was the case. That’s not what I wanted! When it’s over, where will we be? Why try if it’s not going to last.
I don’t want it to end. But I don’t know.
This is a grueling investment for me. This is work. Why invest in something that you can’t fix? Something that never has lasting payoff. I’m trading ages of sorrow for moments of happiness. Glimpses. Fruits of labor that last for the time between blinks.
If a life time is a blink of an eye…
I know relationships aren’t stagnant. I know that is foolish to think there is a time when I can just STOP working at it. But I’m tired. This is the swamp that I live in. It’s dark. Thick. Inescapable.
But then I blink and I’m okay. Like it was all a dream. But blink again and I’m back and I realize I live on 2 planes, 2 dimentions. It won’t be long before I return to the swamp. To forever blink back and forth between 2 worlds.
Laughter sounds like crying. I try not to read what I’ve written because it sounds so pathetic.
I’m wasting so much time.
