This is the first part of my recent reflection of my life. Written in despair. Foiled by Part B....
How can we teach women to love themselves? How can we fight
that resentment we will ultimately face when we go through a relationship that
spirals due to our very nature. The nature of irrational emotion, the nature of
poor decisions, indecision, regret of decision, hating our very selves for
feelings, thoughts, paranoia that we feel is so far from our control. How do we
fight a control freak nature when the world makes us feel helpless? We fear our
emotion. We feel pain. We fear our femininity. We want to be more like men.
How can we love ourselves when our Exes were abusive and our
minds were clouded and our feelings numb…..yet we felt the same fear and
longing and paranoia in a relationship with a great guy. How can we love ourselves when he is too good
to be true, and we don’t feel worthy and we still feel unsure that we are loved
and we still feel like he is annoyed by us or doesn’t want us around or thinks
we are too hyper or too crazy? When we break as many promises now as we did to
ourselves then. When we resign to what we think will make him happy. When we
devalue ourselves. When we don’t give ourselves an opinion. When we are ashamed
to feel.
When a guy is so perfect and we feel so pathetic and so
unworthy that we pick and pick off flakes of gold on his perfect personality until
we find what is underneath. When we find a human being under the statue, there
isn’t a sigh of relief. It’s fear. Its uncertainty. If he isn’t perfect, he can
be angry, annoyed, ashamed, embarrassed, scared. Of me.
A friend once told me that I didn’t have to eat the fast
food just because I bought it. If the burger was gross I had the right to throw
it away. Forget about kids in Africa. You paid for the RIGHT to eat as well as
the actual material food. Once you pay you can ultimately decide whether to eat
it or not. You can take as many bites as you like and if you feel full, stop.
Don’t force yourself to feel obligated.
But I did. I felt like I SHOULD and obligation became an
idol. Like I should follow through. Like it was the right thing. Like it was
too late to turn back. And I hated myself for thinking that way and I knew it
was wrong. But it carried over. And it didn’t just go away. I may have forgot
about him and the scars were not his signature. They were MINE. I cut myself. I
HURT MYSELF.
When it felt like we talked so much and we were so open and
I felt so free and comfortable…. yet we didn’t talk enough? What wasn’t being
communicated? The problem was hidden. There are still things hidden. Maybe not
consciously.
I prayed for the blood. I wanted it to excuse this behavior.
I hate myself and I want the blood to say “it’s not you, it’s me” How can I
love myself when I feel so broken and I can’t say sorry enough? When I don’t
want you near me. Being self destructive seems so romantic. The idea of going
out. Not caring about you. It’s so much
work to care. When I rely so much on the next text message. I’m crazy. I’m
crazy. I can’t do this. I’m not capable. I’m not different. It wasn’t him. It
wasn’t you. It was me. It was me.
And I text you: “My period will come and go and I will be
dandy as a daisy. Unless you are as bad as the last guy I don’t think I’ll need
counseling. If I do then fuck, it really was all my fault.”
And Oh my God. You are scared of me. You are thinking. “Oh
My God. I picked the most psycho chick in the bunch. How did I not see it
coming?” You are scared of me. And I am so ashamed.
And I’m going to look back on this and realize it’s all
lies. But….I’m not going to care, because I’m just going to hate myself for
even THINKING it in the first place. I’m going to hate myself, even if it’s not
true, BECAUSE it wasn’t true.
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