Mermaids Message

And I shall send it out like a message in a bottle:

I was a mermaid. Something naïve. Something delicate but still strong. Independent and beautiful. I loved you. I didn't know if I did. I didn't know if I could. But then we became one. And I gave you everything. I gave your my heart, my body, even my personality. I shrunk up like you left me on the beach to shrivel and dry. Like my heart was a paper weight. Like you didn't really want it. But you took it. You let it sit there and gather dust. I sunk to the bottom of the sea. I couldn't see who I was. I saw dark.

I gave my voice for you. I gained legs in exchange but I didn't use them. I should have. Instead I sat beside you. Watched you live, when I thought I was living with you. I felt so numb for the first time. I felt like I forgot how to feel. I felt like I should correct it with blades or knives. But I didn't. I wonder what that says about me. I felt abnormal for not slicing my flesh.

I shriveled. I was engulfed in myself. I fell into my stomach. I didn't know that I wasn’t a souvenir. I sat preserved on your shelf. Like some collected trinket. I thought things were getting better. I thought. You were....

Its when you said you wouldn't change that I knew they had never changed. We moved like the waves. High and low. Ebb and flow. And I thought it was growth. But it was a storm.

I could talk to you now. My heart is squeezed like a sponge every time I think of you. Like your memory haunts me. Your ghost is still trying to get rid of every drop of love I have left. You appear sometimes. And the pain makes me think of old men. Men who sit on their porches and stare at the sea and feel pain. Because the one that they love is dead. They die that way. They die from the pain. Their hearts are tired.

I know I could die this way too if I was old enough. If I had loved enough. But somewhere I knew to be careful, to be cautious, to be safe with my treasure. I was enamored. But I was torn, because somewhere in my ocean as i was swirled in the currents of infatuation, I saw your dark.

I tell myself that I can't remember. Dates, times, faces. And I say, “Oh, what a bother. How I hate my awful memory. I can't remember anything.” But I don't want to. Maybe I just say it over and over again because I don't want to remember. I want to love him instead. But I can't because you still have a hold on me.

When it became apparent you couldn't give me what I tried to give, I crawled back to the ocean. But you come to my shore. Not begging. You couldn't beg. You're much to proud. You asked to try again. But when I finally said no......

...... It felt like the coldest drink of water. The most refreshing and relieving experience. I lived through five months of desert. And now? You can't ask me to walk there again. You can't. And yet you did.

You walked onto my shore. Crept close to the edge of the water. And called out to me. I said “I can't” and You responded with anger. You fake. If you cared you would have been gentle, soft, kind, considerate. But you were stubborn, unyielding, and stagnant. You knew I wasn't coming back. And you were angry.

You told me that my feelings were annoying; that when I was upset, it was an inconvienience to you. You told me you never loved me. You lied to me.

Months later. And here you are on my shore again. I'm back from the reef. I've seen colors. I've seen a world of happiness. Your memory hurts me but I find happiness.

It's been months and yet you call timidly. And I could be nice. But I know you will take advantage of that niceness. You think, "She will talk to me like it's normal, like everything is okay between us. Then I'll step a toe over the edge of the tide line. Test the water... see how she yields".

But you never would swim in my ocean. You would never sacrifice to be part of my world. You would only bring me into yours. You would put me in a glass cage. A display. A trophy. I stayed there. I pressed my lips to the glass and rolled with ecstasy every time you met your lips with mine. I was tossed by the tide. You were a whirlpool. I craved it. But it always left a sadness. And I didn't know why.

When I said goodbye I promised you one thing. That I would find myself. I said I was sick. I'd go get better. I never said I'd come back. So here you are. At the oceans edge. You wanted me back. You wanted me behind glass, on your shelf, in your cage.

Well. Its now a glass cage. My ocean. I am separated by glass. I will swim in my aquatic home where you can't reach me. Separate from you. Forever.