I've never been in more than one relationship.
I've never been in a relationship longer than 5 months.
I’ve never been in a consistently happy relationship
I've never written a thorough diagnosis of my relationship
with my parents and their relationship with each other.
My Ex
My Parents
I've never written something substantial about how scared I
am off relationships because of these people.
I just saw a TV show.
Whitney, A show on NBC, had a moment where the central couple
had said they had wanted a family free Christmas, and the male lead turns to
his girlfriend of 3 years and says, something along the lines of 'technically
you can't get a family free Christmas because we are family now'. After all the
drama of the episode with quote is probably the sweetest line in the episode.
It offers resolution to the episodes plot and also shows that even though the
couple went through drama in the episode they will persevere. This perseverance
is a continual theme throughout the show, considering the show is about the
couple.
The main character Whitney is intimidated by marriage because
divorce was so common in her family. The show shows the couple as being very
committed, and stable, and adorable, but the show also shows the couple facing
persecution because of their unmarried status, adding pressure to Whitney's
aversion to marriage.
I only explain this more thoroughly because the running
themes in the show relate to my angst as well as this quote from this
particular episode. What I have a problem with IS the quote. It seems so cute
at first and yet then I think about my family and what this quote would mean
more literally. First I think how I'd like to 'get away from my family during
the holidays just like everyone else' (a terribly paraphrased statement from
the main couples friend). So what do family and marriage have in common? How
could I see this adorable episode closing quote in a negative light? Well.
In my mind the thought process briefly goes like this. Family
often gets treated poorly in comparison to friends. Even with the closest of
friends, family is still people that you are stuck with. They are family.
That's all there is too it. Obviously sometimes parents disown their children
for shit-stupid reasons, but often you can get away with treating family like
shit because you just can't get away with that behavior around friends or
people you want to impress. That passive-aggressive behavior only flys in
family situations.
Family sticks around. Friends will leave if you are too much
of a dick. Now I KNOW that I have been a COMPLETE and utter bitch to my
friends. Some massive PMS+emotional drama+external pressure= Flip Shit session.
But I often that gets corrected. They will confront you, AND you will actually
take that to heart or ….you will not be friends anymore. Parents and sibling go
through daily, hourly, minute-ly abuse. They usually just brace for impact and
take it because when they do point out the pimple on your behavior, it just
doesn't seem to cure the problem. Why?
There are too many factors to count. For me it’s a lot of
things. Lack of respect overall, indifference (because I will be back to
college in another city far away in a week),
and sheer conditioning to respond negatively towards them. Telling you
why being a brat to my parents is now conditioned into me is another thing
entirely but I'm just getting the point across that I just don't have the time
or the incentive to change my habits. I can change my behavior once, usually
through the motivation of plain guilt, but I usually revert back to being a
twat. If this last section of text disgusts you, than good. It makes me cringe
to re-read such obstinate thinking.
So when I THINK. When I just THINK about my boyfriend being
family. It makes me cringe. I NEVER want to treat him that way. I never want to
see our relationship turn into my parents. I don't want to be my mom, and I
hate. I HATE. That I can't appreciate the qualities in him that remind me of my
dad, because I think somehow that those qualities I can't respect. And in not
respecting him, the “my mom” in me will react to the “my dad” in him MORE, and
cause a freaking nuclear reaction.
There is little wrong with my dad. ...Well. There used to be.
It could be age. It could be pussy whipping. But yeah. He has gotten worse. It
could also be my growing lack of respect for him, but I just find him so
doltish now. He is slow. He is scatterbrained. He is passive aggressive. He
can't be intimate with me without being TOTALLY awkward. He has bad social
skills around family (but is fine in public)....That last sentence sort of
answered it for me. That's it! He is fine in public because he doesn't have my
mother judging everything he does. There is significantly less pressure on him.
We all know to some extent (unless we have subatomic self confidence levels)
that performance goes down (and this is shown in psychology studies) when we
are observed by a judging audience or given negative reinforcement. Stress can
work to benefit or hinder performance.
From experience? My mother is destroying my father.
She is so controlling he has dumb-ed himself down in order to
preserve sanity. To stay sane he....just shut down. No opinion. No emotion.
Just whatever she wants. Like a doll. So. He ….he gave himself a lobotomy.
That's my dad.
My mom treats me like an extension of herself. Like I'm still
fucking attached to an umbilical chord....as if that meant I wasn't a separate
person. She wants me to do everything like her. She dresses me up, does my hair
and makeup like a doll. She doesn't want to talk to me about anything other
than business. One time she called. She sounded like she was in a good mood and
actually wanted to talk, wanted to catch up.
I probably got a minute worth of recap of the past week in
before she cut me off to tell me that my choice of Christmas present was
unacceptable, like I cared! I’m 20. I wanted a Playstation, My choice of
present may seem juvenile but I certainly won’t act in a juvenile way when you
don’t get me one! I’m not going to cry or throw some fit. I’M TWENTY YEARS OLD.
Now I can totally understand that they don’t want to get me a
Playstation 3. I have no problem with the fact that you want me to have one
less distraction up at college where I am far away and you can't always make
sure I'm being responsible. I understand that PS3s are expensive and that you
are paying for two children to go to college. I understand that you would rather
buy something practical and not a toy.
I do have a problem with the fact that you think I’m “too old”
for videogames, but that’s a rant for another day.
But what I REALLY have a problem with is that you pretended
to care about me. You pretended to want to know about my life, when the only
things we ever really talk about are bills you need to pay or grade on a test
that I got.
You pretended to give a shit about me. But you’re not my mom.
You’re my consultant, attorney, claims adjuster, manager, accountant, etc etc. It’s
just business.
Salt in the would is that you think video games are for
children and that I'm too old for that. Rude. And untrue, statistically. Nerds
tend to have more fulfilling lives after highschool and last time I checked the
rest of the world was starting to understand that videogames can be a medium of
art and not just a medium for which stunted adults can drool as we press the X
button and stare at a screen wasting our time. Oh but of course you think art
is a waste of time. That's why you choose NOT to support MY major while you go
to community college to go take art classes and get metal casts of your feet.
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