I write because I can't tell anyone else but the anonymous ear on the other end, wherever that is. It is nice to think that they are worlds away. A chance happening. A person on the other end who stumbles upon my sloppy typed phrases like finding a message in a bottle. The ink has been smeared from water damage on its long ocean journey....really I write to NOT be judged. Because if I truly used this blog as an outlet for its INTENDED purpose, which is to have some cathartic release in just....journaling, just... getting it out!
....Then I would swear more. I would be much more "fuck all!" and put significantly less effort into seeming poetic and elegant in my writing. I wouldn't second guess myself. I would type like I was sprinting with my eyes closed. And I would just come right out with it and say "YES. I HAD A THREESOME LAST NIGHT AND I DON"T KNOW WHAT THAT SAYS ABOUT ME".
I think I liked it. No. Not the threesome. The sex. The parts of it. But not the whole. It's going to be awkward to tell him I'm not interested in doing it again. That "yep, lol, told you so, I'm definitely straight".
But really it's fine as long as I'm not contracting STI's....or babies.
But I do think about if I'm doing it out of some desperation. Like a cry for help. To fill a void. To avoid....feeling lonely. Instead of embracing the alone.
In college I wrote hundreds of journals about how I was madly in love with this boy. Oh God. Wait. I'm just, as we are reading, as I am writing.....RIGHT NOW.
Was this the first boy I ever loved? It can't be... It.....Thinking, hold on. Seriously I'm thinking right now about this......
Okay so I'm listing my crushes and as I dismiss them as crushes I wonder if I really loved him at all! If it was just a crush, or an obsession. Because love is more than attraction right? I'm seriously not going to go into that because we all know how complicated the question of "what is love, what TRUELY IS LOVE" But yes. Love is selfless and patient and kind. But if we are going to be SIMPLE. About it...I would say I loved him. Because I torn my self apart, up, down, inside out, over him.
YES. It must have been him. I....wow. I don't know if I ever realized that before. Before him, in highschool, I was so logical about the fact that I wasn't interested in any of the "options" and neither were they in me! It was a graduating class of 25ish after all. So I didn't look very hard for "love" back then.
College came. I loved 2 boys. Was romantically involved with 3. Screwed 2 (and a half). Made love to 1.
Hooked-up (the pre-mentioned half) with 1 guy. It was literally Just The Tip. and dat tip was flacid.
This all came about in 4 years. High school I was a Christian. The first boy in college broke my heart. And my faith fell apart. I wrote a biographical novelette and a play about Freshman year and all that drama. I consider copy-ing and paste-ing those journal entries here but honestly. I'm scared of reading them. I feel like reading them would be as if a person with amnesia discovered that they killed and ate somebody. And I don't want to remember....really, considering we are platonic friends now. He's on the other side of the state, so I don't see him that much. And when I do I wonder if his girlfriend likes me and is okay with our friendship. I'm not mad at her and I don't think she is a bitch. I just worry.
What I'm trying to say is that THAT STORY is MANY stories and the history is long, old, complicated, and...its not the story for right now.
Tonight's story is about how incredible it is that we can be so many different people in one lifetime. I NEVER thought I would be the person I am today. When people tell you such impossible tales with no real grasp on context or reality it feels like they are telling you about the dream they had the night before, not the people they knew 4 years before.
Finally my stories start to seem like that. Like it has to be fake. But threesomes happen. Its not THAT crazy.
Part of me wonders if I subconsciously want to hookup with as many people as I can, make some sort of world record out of it. With, of course, the stipulation..."most partners in intercourse in one lifetime without the contraction of an STI or an accidental pregnancy"
It's actually a pretty great life right now. I've changed so much. But my friends havn't. So I can't tell them the tales of the "new Marie" because the old Marie doesn't do those things. Not that they would disown me as friends or stop liking me. But they wouldn't approve, and it would make them feel uncomfortable. So I don't talk about it.
BUT I WANT TO TELL WHOEVER I CAN. I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW AWESOME MY HOOKUP ESCAPADES ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was madly in love with a boy. Jan 18th was....maybe....our anniversary. We dated for a year and a half. He was the longest relationship I've ever had. He was the only guy who I would have followed, anywhere. I loved him so much. So much that to this day I can't...I just can't comprehend, no I get it. I understand why. But my self esteem can't handle the fact that he was unhappy with me. That he is over it in 3 months and ready to be friends. And I....I see him. Then the next day, I'm just sad. And I wish I could just get over it. But I don't have the ability to make that decision. Its like telling a cut on your hand to heal.
So ....that's why I worry about myself. That my hookups aren't a life choice. They are a way to cope and get some confidence back. I think. Maybe.
After the breakup. I...a lot of people told me he would change his mind. I wanted to believe that he would.
I have to admit I hate telling you all this because I KNOW how many people went through all of this shit in 8th grade. And here I am. Dealing with this after my college graduation.
I know that a lot of people would tell me "Oh, cry me a river". I also know that a lot of people sympathize and empathize. But no matter if your reaction to this is supportive or destructive....I still have to deal with this mundane, AVERAGE part of life.....on my own. It's in me. This experience. The feelings generated are EPIC, powerful, passionate, colorful, bright, raw. But all these feelings are just. Normal. They feel anything but normal. Like if Aliens came to visit. And it was CRAY-Z. But it happened on a regular basis. So our individual experiences are so STELLAR AND INCONCEIVABLE, but when we look at the bigger picture. Most everyone has felt that way. Everybody. It is a Normal, Average, Mundane, Part of life.
I'll tell you more about it another time. For now. The history of my hookups:
I first tried hooking up after getting out of a "lightly emotionally abusive" (wft Idk it's complicated) relationship. I think I tried once or twice between the first relationship and the second, but it was a juggle of thoughts and emotions all boiling down to "I can't do this! I don't know if it's "too soon" for a hookup, or maybe I'm just not that type of girl!".
But I was at an anime convention around Halloween and I was pretty damn drunk on Everclear 3 nights in a row and it was one of the most amazing weekends of my life (it was safe and responsible to defend myself a little bit there)...and totally hooked up with an army brat. Washboard abs and a super hero eye mask were the only things he had on as we fucked in his car. I recall specifically the Halloween print socks were the only things I was wearing. Halloween is my favorite holiday ;)
After that I was like, "welp! I guess I can do hookups! That was fun....LETS DO IT AGAIN!"
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